"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." Psalm 51:10-12
Today my prayer is for God to change my heart - I truly need a pure and clean heart to continue walking with Him. I have more than fallen off the wagon; I jumped off gleefully right back into a life I know to be sinful. Why? I guess I was tired. Worn out. Or probably more likely, unwilling to change or allow God to take me to the next step. So, I quit. I quit exercising. I quit eating right. I quit reading the Bible, praying, fasting and seeking God on this matter in my life. Oh, I had lots of excuses. But, that's what they are, just excuses. We found out in the beginning of October that we were expecting our third child. We were thrilled as we had been trying all summer to conceive. But, with the pregnancy came SEVERE morning sickness that lasted throughout the day. I didn't feel like exercising. I felt like sleeping. A lot! And I ate whatever sounded good - after all, I was told that simple carbs may stay down the best. But, really, it's all excuses. Now as I step on the scale, I see that I've gained back a third of the weight I'd lost over the last couple years. And I'm devastated.
I was ready to throw in the towel. Why try if I can't stick to it? But, as I was proofreading a newsletter for the local Mission in town, I read a fascinating article on addiction and relapse. The article noted that often relapse is part of recovery. It's those folks who don't quit when they do relapse back into old habits but try again that eventually successfully kick their habit for good. The article was challenging believers, helpers, family, friends and church members not to give up on addicts who mess up and go back to their addictions. While we don't condone the sin, we still need to love and encourage the sinner to get right back on the wagon and try again. It's only through the love of Jesus and support of others that addicts eventually are able to break the cycle of addiction. But, it doesn't typically happen overnight but is rather a process. As I read it, I thought YES! YES! Of course people need to try again and not quit.
Then, it hit me. Why was I quitting? Because I've failed? Yes, I had given up hope. But, who has the power to change me from the inside out? God! Can He do it? Yes! Will He do it? Yes, if I'm willing to follow and obey Him. I do believe it. And I once again had to repent for allowing myself to become so easily ensnared by the lies of Satan that food is what will comfort me, that it's fine to overeat at the holidays when we're going to parties and purchasing gifts, that it doesn't matter what I eat now because I can work it off later. Lies that shouldn't fool me did once again. But, I'm not giving up.
Another thing I read recently was that Satan loves to make God look like a fool. I would NEVER want to be part of that. For I've given God glory for the weight I lost - was I now making Him look foolish for saving me when I was screwing up again? I felt Godly conviction that I needed to change. The only problem is that once again I feel hopeless. But, I'm not without hope. I need to go back to the Word where God can teach me how to live. James 4:8 tells us to "Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded." Oh, I've been double-minded as I've asked for one thing and acted another way. I need my heart purified and my hands clean. The thought of God still being willing to come near me, though, thrills me.
I read another passage that spoke to me regarding God purifying our hearts. See 1 Kings 8:46-50: “When they sin against you—for there is no one who does not sin—and you become angry with them and give them over to their enemies, who take them captive to their own lands, far away or near; and if they have a change of heart in the land where they are held captive, and repent and plead with you in the land of their captors and say, ‘We have sinned, we have done wrong, we have acted wickedly’; and if they turn back to you with all their heart and soul in the land of their enemies who took them captive, and pray to you toward the land you gave their ancestors, toward the city you have chosen and the temple I have built for your Name; then from heaven, your dwelling place, hear their prayer and their plea, and uphold their cause. And forgive your people, who have sinned against you; forgive all the offenses they have committed against you, and cause their captors to show them mercy..."
Now I realize that you shouldn't take the Bible out of context. This was Solomon's Prayer of Dedication of the Temple, and he was praying for God's chosen people, Israel. Yet, there are some things I think we can take from this text. For one, all people sin. We all screw up. We just struggle with different things. And that doesn't mean my sin is any less of a sin, it just means that I need to see what to do once I've been taken back into captivity where I'm once again a slave to food. I think this passage shows us. If we have a change of heart and turn back to God with all our heart and soul, and if we pray... then God says He will forgive His people and free them with His great mercy.
I'm not sure that I can have a complete change of heart without God's help. So, I'm starting with prayer and Bible reading. I enjoy food. I like going out to eat. I like making it. I like eating it. I like trying new things and eating whatever I want. But, I don't like outgrowing my clothes and feeling awful. I don't want sin in my life. So, I'm willing to give my desires to God and trust Him to change me from the inside out. Will you do the same?
Dear Heavenly Father, we come before You, ashamed of our sin and the chains that weigh us down. Once again I've walked away from the good path You chose for me and went my own way, seeking my own pleasure and the satisfaction of my cravings. I'll admit that I've been lazy and gluttonous. I am so sorry, God. Please change my heart and purify it. Make my hands, heart, and head pure and refined before You. I can't change on my own. Instead, I repent and give You my life. And may You alone receive the glory for any outward changes. May I not be proud but instead humble before You as we walk together in this journey. I love You, God. Please make me healthy and thin, and keep this baby inside of me healthy as well. In Jesus' Name, AMEN!
